May 31st, 2008
I am always looking for new music. I started up again shortly after 2000. I didn’t want to be stuck in an era, you know, like that big haired 80s chick who won’t let go of her neon pink off-the-shoulder “Hampton Beach ‘87″ t-shirt. Or maybe worse, the girl who still rocks flannel because she thinks that grunge really did last more than five years. Not that being stuck in a musical era is really that bad, it works for some people, just not me, I get bored easily. I love the stuff I grew up on, and I love the stuff I experienced life listening to, of course I do. I am looking for new sounds to live right along the old ones, so I guess I’m not replacing, just adding.
My favorite new album right now is Whisper War by The Cab. This music fits in the category of “I shouldn’t like this because I’m too old for it”. It’s new punk and I couldn’t stand this sound a few years ago. I think I was just waiting for the emo to burn off the top to really sink down into it. And I love it. I can’t get enough of it. Of course getting into new music is tough when you’re a dinosaur. You take suggestions and you try on new sounds like you try on new shoes, some fit and some make you walk funny. I have a new musical source who is what you can call a post-teenage expert, so I take his advice because so far he has been right on the pulse.
Interested in adding a new musical genre to your repertoire? Try this one out, or go find delight in some other unexpected place.
Filed under: Dreams, Emotions, Living, Questions, blogging, love | Tags: alcoholism, blogging, creativity, life, writing
May 30th, 2008
I really have to stop blogging at night, it’s when I’m feeling all creative and wacky like I want to sell all of my clothes and jump trains. A little more Emily Dickinson and a lot less Edgar Allen Poe. I want to be more of the latter but the absurdity of life lately makes me a lot more spacey, more of the former. I just really want to come home at night a down a ton of beers and wash it all away, because I’m pretty much in a zombie like state anyhow due to constantly losing the battle I have waged with my immune system. I am playing a tug of war with what I want to be doing with what I should be doing and no side is budging. I want to take everything in all at once but I don’t make a move. I want life to swing simultaneously with excitement and monotony, but I want it to be safe inside my bubble of ordinary and I like the distance I keep between me and letting run-on sentences take me away. I want to strip it all down and let it be exposed but I don’t know how. You would think after 30 some odd years I would know how, or at the very least have already tried it. But I haven’t. I hide.
Is 11:48 too late to start drinking?
May 29th, 2008
Is it a memory, or is it something you know you need to do before you die? What if you never do that one thing, then was that one thing not so important after all or had you already finished that thing? What if I did that one thing when I was five and the rest of this is all up to interpretation?
Where do I go from here?
Filed under: Commentary, Emotions, Good day, Work, soapbox | Tags: Good day, management, retail, Work
May 28th, 2008
I have to apologize to people who actually had to read my crap yesterday and were kind enough to leave me a comment of encouragement. I’m a big whiny baby sometimes because I lose sight of my backbone, the truth that everyone has bad days and that I’m not actually the center of the universe. I was feeling cranky because of said events, it was bittersweet/long time coming/actually somewhat fulfilling in a twisted wrong way to have to fire my boss (and in all technicality I didn’t fire her, per se, I just had to deliver the news that she would be rightly paid out by the company for the rest of the week and that she need not report to work but to return her store keys) and I did this because my District Manager is shallow, spineless and in all intents and purposes, Lucifer, Ruler of Hell. So was I upset I had to do it, no, just upset that I wasn’t the one who should have done it. I’m old school, there is a process for everything; I’m a stickler for professionalism and I demand it even in my shitty retail world. Why not too? Just because we are the bottom-feeders of the work world doesn’t mean we have to do it without dignity. Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one riding my high horse.
But I’m not. Luckily I have three people with me who are supporting a positive change in our store. The three other managers I work with all have a commonality: they want to learn, they are eager to improve and they are open to grow. Thankfully you see, I am not up the proverbial creek. I do have support, the only problem I see is now the responsibility to get them where they need to be lies with me. I know I am fully capable of teaching them everything I know, the truth is they know more than they think they know. But what makes it more challenging is that I have to unteach them bad habits. In their defense, they don’t do anything wrong, they just learned how to do things just to make the ousted manager happy. So it was never a battle to learn and to grow and to obtain the simple tools they needed to be great managers, it was a war to just get by to be good managers.
Why do I care? I care because I can’t have my ninth year with this company be for naught. What started out as a job just to pay my bills so I could do this and that has turned into a life lesson. Judge me if you will, scoff at my decision to put my degree aside while taking the easy road working the grind as a retail manager. It’s not easy and anyone who has been in my shoes knows this and knows this well. Why do you still do it? I do it because I’m good at it, no, I’m great at it. I never have fooled myself into thinking I am perfect at it, there are parts of it that dumbfound even me. I have found that I actually like succeeding and I succeed at a lot of what my job challenges me and those challenges are ever changing. So my challenge right now is to teach those around me what I know. At least now I have the freedom and the support to do just that without having that feeling of taking over someone else’s job, outshining someone else, or the bitter emotions from that someone else for doing what should have been done all along.
For whatever else I bitched about yesterday, I apologize, although I still miss American Idol because I’m a dork.
Filed under: Bad Day, blogging | Tags: American Idol, Bad Day, complaining, Sick, Work
May 27th, 2008
Yeah, so that was fun.
I haven’t had a comment in 4 posts.
I may have found something of question in/on my body this morning.
There’s no more American Idol to watch tonight or tomorrow night, for that matter.
I had to cut a bunch of people’s shifts today right after giving a bunch of people shifts today.
My hair is unruly and too long and I don’t have the money to get it cut/I put $40+ worth of gas into my car today, granted I only fill up once a month.
I just feel like complaining.
My latte wasn’t any good this morning and it was so expensive, I need to stop buying them.
That is all.
Filed under: TV, Work, blogging, movies | Tags: AE, andromeda strain, movie, TV, Work
May 26th, 2008
As far as I know only two of us got up early and had to be at work by 7 this morning so I’m taking today off from anything too blog-involved and am going to watch Andromeda Strain on A&E instead. It’s a new version, I’ll let you know how it goes.
Filed under: Commentary, Emotions, Family, love, marriage, soapbox | Tags: Emotions, love, relationships
May 25th, 2008
I know these two people who just ended their relationship. It is sad because they are both dears and who wants to see people go through that time in their life really? I don’t think you ever sat there and routed for someone to end their relationship with a person, aside from say, abuse, cheating and the like. I surely can’t say that I was excited to see this relationship come to an end, but when it comes down to it, who am I to judge anyhow?
I’ve ended many relationships in my life, both romantic and not, and even had some relationships ended for me. Which side is better to be on? In hindsight, it doesn’t matter because both sides have ample and unending lessons to be learned. The one constant, on both sides, is the inevitable feeling that you have lost something. Bad relationships cause you to compromise too much, but when you are giving yourself up at the time it seems worth it, does it not? I’m going to give up the things that make me happy/make me me/make me who I have been identified with my whole life because in this very instant I am accepting this instant gratification of acceptance and wanting. Mistake. If that makes you angry, then you are doing that right now. If you said, “Yup, been there” then you know you’ll never do that again, and if you are giving your computer screen that bewildered look then, watch out.
We will never be in a perfect relationship, as much as we try. But when we have to give up ourselves for the sake of the relationship then that relationship is doomed to fail. Sure there are compromises we always have to make even in our successful relationships. That is sharing and growing and allowing the other person to outshine you now and again. But if we are being out shown we will get hurt and feel lost in a life we didn’t see coming down around us. And if we are burning too brightly we won’t even see the other person in our own shadow. Don’t know which side you are on? Dig deep. And there are no absolutes, you may be a bit of both. I think the mistake I always made was that I thought I was being out shown, I was always the victim of the other person. That was my own demise. I always felt hurt and ignored and I always felt that I was overcompensating in a relationship. Funny thing about the irony there was I was again not thinking of myself, not looking at how I was poisoning the relationship with my inadequacies, my hang-ups. I let my lack of confidence be my own undoing. Was it the other persons fault that I let them over shadow me, or was it my fault all along?
Blame is an ugly weapon and we can’t help ourselves to it, it’s a crutch, a vise, an easy out. Putting blame aside, accusation and anger, what are we left with? What attracted us to that person in the first place? Was it the quest for love, companionship or something else? That something else can be experience and there is honor in that if what we have learned from this love we use to create something better for ourselves in the future. We should never forget the ones we have loved because denying these happy memories is forgetting a part of ourselves. When the dust settles, you will remember the good things about that person and about yourself. It will take time, it always does.
Filed under: Odd Random Stuff Day, Surveys, from MySpace | Tags: myspace, Odd Random Stuff Day, survey
Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?
Yes!
What were you doing 30 minutes ago?
Wrapping things up at work.
Honestly, who was the last person to tell you that they love you?
Mike
Last restaurant you went to?
North
Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?
Mike
Did you have an exciting last weekend?
Ummm, exiting? No.
Have you ever crawled through a window?
Yes
What do you spend most of your money on?
Beads, supplies and things like that.
Where were you at 1AM sunday morning?
In my bed.
Is there a secret you’re hiding from your parents?
That I’m adopted… maybe…
Do you like yourself?
Yes, but sometimes I annoy even me.
Have you ever dyed your hair?
Yes
Who is someone you wish you could fix things with?
That’s private.
Is there anything in your past that you’d like to try again?
Dancing
Are you an emotional person?
Not really.
What’s something that can always make you feel better?
Food and new clothes.
Did your parents spoil you as a child?
No
Do you still have pictures of you & your ex?
Sure, they’re somewhere around here.
How’s your heart lately?
I feel pretty good.
Are you a cuddler?
No, I’m not touchy feely and I like my space.
Will this weekend be a good one?
Sure
What do you want right now?
Mixed nuts
Have you ever gone nude/streaked in public?
Yes
Who hugged you last?
Evan!
Have you ever worn the opposite sex’s clothing?
Yes
Are you a kissable person?
I believe so
Has someone ever spread a nasty rumor about you?
Probably, but I’m pretty boring so not often.
What is your relationship status?
Married
Who was the last person to come to your house?
My sister
Any summer plans for 2008?
maybe a trip maybe a pregnancy?
Whats on your schedule for tomorrow?
Etsy
The last song you heard?
This Is The Time- David Cook
What do you think of love?
It’s necessary and you’re gonna feel it even if you don’t try.
Do you still talk to any of your ex’s?
Yes
What’s the connection between you and the last person you texted?
GBFF
Do you like someone?
Yes, I like lots of people
Have you ever kissed someone whose name started with an S?
The first person I kissed!
How’s your life lately?
Oh, pretty good, no complaints, well no big complaints.
Have you ever dated someone longer than a year?
Lol, yes. I’ve been with Mike for ten years.
Have you ever loved someone so much that it hurt?
It always hurts baby!
Are you happier single or in a relationship?
Currently happy, but I can make do on my own. I have cats.
Filed under: Emotions, Food, Good day | Tags: friends, Good day, learning, Ricky, shopping
May 23rd, 2008
I had a great day today. In the rankings of great days, maybe today was even a very great day. I am glad and grateful for what transpired and sometimes you have to think in the grand scheme of things how you came to be where you are in your life and who has an affect on you. I was off from work today and although I really needed to focus on my craft today because the time I have for it is so scarce I threw all usual day off schedules to the wind and went out for a play date with my friend Ricky. He is a sweetheart, an all around great guy, the kind of person who is few and far between, true blue special. I love good food and good shopping and he was reeling from a very current break-up and needed to talk, walk and connect. I hope and think that I was an adequate companion, a shoulder, a silly partner in crime and a sounding board. I see so much of myself in him and that makes me happy. I like him and he and I are similar so as logic would have it, I should be pretty pleased with myself. I have been as of late. Feeling proud, accomplished, creative, strong and worthy and the quest for these things knows no boundaries– it is surprising that age, status, sexual orientation, accomplishments and other such things mean nothing when the need for answers, validation and acceptance are sought after.
We ate until we bust, we talked, shopped and enjoyed our afternoon implicitly. Joy comes from the most unexpected places and the most seemingly mundane like sitting in the blistering wind eating a six dollar piece of chocolate cake, not burning your lips on a delicious cup of coffee and knowing that you matter.
Filed under: Good day, Humor, blogging, marriage | Tags: Good day, Mike, power out, zombies
May 22nd, 2008
(written May 23rd, 2008 )
Last night we lost power and the first thing I thought was, “Crap, I can’t blog!” Maybe after the thought of “Crap, I can’t see anything!” came. It was about 8:30 and we had been experiencing wicked winds here all day, it was oddly only about 75 degrees and raining like crazy. So everything just shut off right quick as if someone pulled this giant power cord. The TV even did that funny thing where everything gets sucked into that tiny silver dot into the middle of the screen, I think it even went, “Poof!”
Mike and I just sat there, maybe looking right at each other but unable to see each other’s expressions. Now what? Flashlight.
Me-We have a flashlight? Cool.
Mike-Light some candles.
Me-We only have the smelly kind.
Mike-Okay.
So we did that, put some candles on until the house smelled like potpourri.
Me-Now what?
Mike-This is when the zombies come.
I’m not kidding, that is what he said and that is the topic of discussion into the wee hours. He talked about how it will happen and then went into the bedroom to get his gun. Asked me where his second clip was, I said by the door and we sat and drank wine and waited for our impending doom.
The power did come back on eventually and I guess technically by then I still could have squeezed out a post in time but by then I was drunk, tired from my eyes trying to see in the soft glow of candles and too afraid to be alone.
