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August 31st, 2008
So when did that happen?
How strange would it be to say that I just started to live again, this past month? All in the month of August and everything after… I think that’s from somewhere.
I owe myself 5 posts to finish up this month, I need to do it for the obligation, for the words and for the feelings. I need to do it for myself and I need to do it for you.
Tomorrow is a new month, new theme, and I plan on still living.
August 30th, 2008
I actually did something for the past 30 days consecutively that I haven’t managed to do for more than say 3 days straight since 1997, I have felt things, experienced things, and have opened myself up to change and to acceptance. I feel exposed, and filled up with uncertainty, no life line, no escape plan… but I’m okay with that. I have put myself out there, for anyone to see my flaws, my pain, my fears and I have not recoiled or hid back inside. I’m here to stay and this is me living on the edge of forever.
I have never shared any of my writing outside of school for anyone to just read casually. I suppose this was the best venue for me, almost anonymous, but nonetheless personal. It’s funny, I no longer concerned myself with how people would see me, instead took comfort in the fact that people have been reading my thoughts all along and maybe someone somewhere has been touched by them, or even moved by them.
Thank you for the support, and the words of encouragement. It is amazing the way that you have expressed how just letting a little bit of myself out into the world has been appreciated. I don’t plan on stopping, but I feel now that this month is up, I can work this part of me into what I want to write about every day. I kind of needed this, like a wake up call in so many ways.
There will never be another August like this, and for that I will forever be reminiscent, but that is okay. Tomorrow is another day, and September is another beginning.
August 29th, 2008
I couldn’t possibly pretty up all of the things I want to say, tuck them in, fit them into a nut shell. The words want to over flow. We are constant reminders of what there once was, who is here to say what will be in the end? I take these hours quietly, not filling them with what I need to be doing, whatever that may be. You have your space, I have mine, does it feel right? Nothing does. 33 and running to stand still. I was once the river to your tree, I always wanted to be the rock. I was once the shadow behind the light, I always wanted to be the actor who wasn’t playing a part. I will go and feel what family has to give, and take it in like I never have before, never allowed myself to. And I will return and we will continue this, what ever this is. Maybe I’ll do what I should be doing, I don’t fear I will never know what that very thing may be, that thing that will make me whole… maybe it’s you, maybe it’s us, maybe it’s none of those things at all. Above all else I hope it is in me.
August 26th, 2008
A bad teen movie
Bookmarks
Friendships gone awry
Loosened shoe laces
Bright green and black
The swift wind tumbling through the yard
Look up
See the sky filled with fear and coming of the storm
He walks the path outside our door, I see it again and again, the dreamlike memory never leaves me
Always leaving
I am 14 now
August 25th, 2008
Wash it down with something bitter
something foreign
I’m not done with you
not left out or forgotten
Where are the words you should be saying to me?
You are silent, silently waiting for me to break.
You don’t even remember that first time you said those words to me…
Caution and warning signs.
I will fall again tonight, wondering where you are.
Sleeping with your shadow, your arms around me, wondering who you are.
And do the lines continue, dusted out of reflections and narrow escapes?
You shouldn’t step out on that edge, but it may be the only step you can take.
August 24th, 2008
These words have been with me since 1989 and they are the most beautiful and haunting collection of nouns, adjectives, verbs and emotions ever placed next to each other. You can see what inspires me here, almost like a magnified glass:
hopelessly drift
in the eyes of the ghost again
down on my knees
and my hands in the air again
pushing my face in the memory of you again
but i never know if it’s real
never know how i wanted to feel
never quite said what i wanted to say to you
never quite managed the words to explain to you
never quite knew how to make them believable
and now the time has gone
another time undone
hopelessly fighting the devil
futility
feeling the monster
climb deeper inside of me
feeling him gnawing my heart away
hungrily
i’ll never lose this pain
never dream of you again
untitled- the cure
August 23rd, 2008
Really, that was a pathetic excuse for “I don’t want to let on that it bothers me”. I’m so wrapped up in love that I don’t see past my digressions. I don’t know what I’m doing here, I’m new. I lean on my crutch of certainty, like you’re the one f*cking this up, you’re the one with the problems. I’ll walk around with my indignation and not be bothered with your concerns, because that’s how I am now… welcome.
This is not about you.
August 22nd, 2008
I get to see you again and I don’t want to. I want to delete you, erase you from my existence. Just clean up, pack up, throw away your memories, bury your face. I know that I can’t do that, too much running from those things already. Maybe what you did to me I’m doing right back to him, maybe that’s the cycle, the wheel I keep spinning. Why don’t I stop it, why don’t I look to those I was told about, the one’s who would save me, save me from myself? I just need to be in a new place, but familiar, with new air and new sky. I have to forget the 19 days that make no difference in the entirety of my life. What were they really, but manifestations of all things unknown wrapped up nicely in layers of mistrust, doubt, euphoria, confusion and self-awareness. That must be forgotten, to move on, to close that door, to expect more.
