Sadieandleo

December 3rd, 2008

Here I am again… wondering what I’m doing, wondering what I owe myself, you or anyone…

I tried, I really tried. But then again, I suppose I can say that about anything or everything in my life. I have tried, I will try and I may or may not put everything I have into it. I may not have much left to give at the end of the day, I may be empty and void of feeling, or expression or spirit. I don’t know, it’s never the same, always changing probably.

I set out to do this crazy thing called Blog 365 and I don’t know, I guess it has turned out like everything I try to do, mostly successful and some parts failure. I think I’m going to draw up a new resume, my objection will read something like,

“I’m mostly a success with some parts failure. But if you get to know me you will like me, besides all of the moody/quiet/far-off distant oddness about me. And, oh yeah, ignore my bouts of nostalgia, battles with PMS, self-doubt, intermittent focus and constant need for sweets.”

Yeah, that’s how I want to put myself out there into the world. I don’t want pretense, I don’t want show or regular words. I want all of those things I wanted last December, expression, carelessness, callousness, unbridled, overworked, and sometimes boring words, flowing words. And why did I think I would succeed?

I didn’t.

I don’t need anyone to doubt me, I’m my own best self-doubter. That’s a great quality to carry around for 33 years. You know, some people are good at math, I’m good at being at not believing in myself. I let everything effect me but I don’t face it. I let the past eat away at me but I lie to myself and falsely believe that it doesn’t matter anymore. I close doors, I bunker down, I seek refuge in instant gratification. I swaddle myself in the blankets of recognition, in cliches and in pretenses. And then I can’t stand the sight of me, the thought of me and after all of that I just want to go on a sugar/bad TV bender and I usually do resort to that and wonder why I can’t sit up or see straight from all of that strain to keep the caring down to a minimum.

This year has been tumultuous and I think growing up is discovering that life will always be like that.

I don’t seek out support or reconciliation. I like to pretend that I don’t need either one.

I want to share everything and at the same time I need to keep it all in. I’ve made some bad decisions this year and then I’ve made some great ones. I’m polar opposites. I annoy myself at how obvious I am, how predictable. And then again all I seek is routine and monotony. I nearly lost the love of my life this year, and I am ashamed at how careless I was with that love. I didn’t deserve the second chance I got, not for my sense of worthlessness, but for the very fact that I abused trust and my commitment to that love. Is that the shadow I hide behind?

Or is it the one I’ve always been hiding behind.