Sadieandleo

This is my blog so I can say whatever I want, yes? Sure, I’m not going to come on here and insult anyone or anything like that, I wasn’t raised that way. Am I too PC? Nope. I was labeled that in high school but really I was just quiet… if those people knew what I was really thinking! But that’s the point, there are things you should say and there are things you shouldn’t say, sometimes in the privacy of a personal conversation we say things we would never say to a group of strangers, and then there are things that we should never say especially in a public forum.

Some random Etsy admin posted this article * in the Storque today (the sites blog full of various “all things handmade”). And it hit a cord.

A few years back I was anorexic. I did not eat to punish myself because I had layers of unresolved issues, none of them being about my weight, ironically. I was estranged from college life, had little love in my life, little hope of happiness and involved myself with less than favorable people. I was at my low, drugs, drinking and smoking, that was pretty much it. I trained myself not to eat for three days straight because the one thing I did discover was that people really liked me skinny. Attention, that was something now wasn’t it? I wasn’t used to that. Something else I really took to was that I didn’t look like myself anymore, not recognizing myself made it easier to live with myself and my pain. What a bonus! I got myself down to 89 pounds. Was I happy? No.

I was lost but I knew that I had to mend so many parts of my life before I could tackle my weight. I had to get my head on straight, cut ties with bad influences and enablers, and remember who I really was and get in touch with her again. Of course having Mike intersect with my life at that point was a saving grace.  The healing was a hard pill to swallow and stepping through that door for the first time is the hardest part. The recovery is life long but it is so important to keep striving for more, for better, for the best for yourself. I was never taught to take care of me first and that doesn’t mean to become selfish, but it means to preserve your spirit, care for your body and be kind to your heart.

I later found out in life that perhaps delving deep I indeed did have some body issues. When Mike and I got back together I was thin, very thin. Was I beautiful? He’ll tell you I was, but ask him the same question today and he’ll tell you the same thing. He truly loves me for me, maybe not the same way he loved me in high school when he was throwing paper in my hair and flirting with other girls. But of course that love has grown. He does not judge me and that is the same for how I look, what shape and size my body is… I am beautiful no matter what. Do I believe the same thing myself? Most days, yeah. And I mean most days, like 364 days a year, there may be one that I’m feeling not so pretty. Is that conceit? Nope, that’s being happy.

I’ve always said that I wasn’t bothered by being a bigger size so long as I was healthy and active. I have a great cholesterol level and I do like to stay active. I remember to throw in a fruit and a vegetable when appropriate to keep things balanced. And no, I know cake really isn’t a food group. A few months before Mike and I eloped I did exercise regularly and I lost a few pounds to fit into a dress I found and had to have. That was one of those things people do sometimes. I didn’t feel obligated or that I had to do to it to make that day happier, it was really freakin’ awesome anyway and it had nothing to do with my size, the dress I was wearing or anything as silly as that… seriously, all you DO need is love!

I look back and I remember how I looked at my lowest point and it troubles me. Thin is beautiful, as is every shape, but for me it was ugly. It was ugly because it wasn’t a reward, like eating right, exercising, being healthy. It was ugly because it was punishment, alienation from myself, detachment from reality and the farthest from my true self I had ever been. Weight is a battle for so many for so many reasons, as many reasons as there are people in the world. My history with weight is unique but is shared with countless others, as their battles were and are unique. There is no set path for recovery, but there are ways out: you can find the strength within and if those around us are there to help us, take it and don’t deny yourself the support. Remember that you are beautiful because you are. Remember that you are important because you have a path to walk and this world would never quite be a complete place without you.

This far into my writing and reflecting Etsy pulled the article and all traces of it are gone forever. The Etsy admin perhaps needs a little more life experience and needs to realize that the words we choose to share in a public forum may not be the best ones, especially when it is now reflective of the entire site simply by being posted on the site. I’ve got a sense of humor, for days and days. I’ve got a thick skin too. But I’m not heartless and in all of my travels I have discovered that it is best to feel and to express. The article was misguided in it’s “celebration of plump”. Yeah. It started off with a glib statement by this seemingly below averaged weight gal in Etsy admin (only speculating this by what you can see of her in her tiny avatar and taking into account the average sized woman in the US is a size 14, thus making her below average.)  She was babbling about something like she needed to lose some of her holiday snacking weight, yada yada, but that YOU should be PROUD if YOU’RE fat.  Or you should comment on the article if you’re “plump” and proud.

I put the word plump in quotes because she actually did use the word plump.  Unfortunately there was a lovely photograph from an Etsian at the top of the article, of a girl, looked to be my size, in a wonderful sexy get-up but tastefully done.  And then farther down, after the admin’s dribble was a treasury of sorts of various “plump” things.  The “plus-sized” clothing was just fine, good handmade products and even some nice vintage finds, but there were also two listings of scales and one listing for candy.  Now of course I have no issues with the mastery of the artwork and the candy seller happens to be in my favorites because I plan on purchasing from her one day.  But these messages coming at me all mixed up together… plump, feel proud, “I should shed some of this weight I put on over the holidays…”, plus-sized, scales, you don’t know my pain, candy… exposed.

I suppose I was left feeling hurt and I know I wasn’t alone, before the article was deleted by someone who got the message others also expressed how unhappy they were.  I believe there is a time and a place for everything.  Of course I don’t believe in censorship, that’s just ludicrous.  But what was the point to that article in the first place?  Was there really one to begin with?  It read like something you had all semester to do and you threw together in the car ride over to class.  It was so unintelligent and aimless.  I am “plump” and I am “proud” but when you mix that in with negative imagery I’m left feeling not so proud.  Did I take this too personal?  Sure I did, that’s the point, it is a personal subject that should be shared and supported but not mocked.  It’s nice that this gal needs to lose a couple of pounds and it’s nice that her weight doesn’t control her or make her hurt herself.  It’s nice that she is stable enough to not to want to kill herself with starvation or binging.  It’s nice that she appointed herself the spokeswoman for “plump and proud”.  Thanks, but no thanks.  You’re not invited to the party.

And I do hope that she never has to endure a hardship in her life, I do, but it is in those experiences that we learn so much more about ourselves and about the world around us.  It is what humbles us and creates compassion.