Filed under: Uncategorized
December 3rd, 2008
Here I am again… wondering what I’m doing, wondering what I owe myself, you or anyone…
I tried, I really tried. But then again, I suppose I can say that about anything or everything in my life. I have tried, I will try and I may or may not put everything I have into it. I may not have much left to give at the end of the day, I may be empty and void of feeling, or expression or spirit. I don’t know, it’s never the same, always changing probably.
I set out to do this crazy thing called Blog 365 and I don’t know, I guess it has turned out like everything I try to do, mostly successful and some parts failure. I think I’m going to draw up a new resume, my objection will read something like,
“I’m mostly a success with some parts failure. But if you get to know me you will like me, besides all of the moody/quiet/far-off distant oddness about me. And, oh yeah, ignore my bouts of nostalgia, battles with PMS, self-doubt, intermittent focus and constant need for sweets.”
Yeah, that’s how I want to put myself out there into the world. I don’t want pretense, I don’t want show or regular words. I want all of those things I wanted last December, expression, carelessness, callousness, unbridled, overworked, and sometimes boring words, flowing words. And why did I think I would succeed?
I didn’t.
I don’t need anyone to doubt me, I’m my own best self-doubter. That’s a great quality to carry around for 33 years. You know, some people are good at math, I’m good at being at not believing in myself. I let everything effect me but I don’t face it. I let the past eat away at me but I lie to myself and falsely believe that it doesn’t matter anymore. I close doors, I bunker down, I seek refuge in instant gratification. I swaddle myself in the blankets of recognition, in cliches and in pretenses. And then I can’t stand the sight of me, the thought of me and after all of that I just want to go on a sugar/bad TV bender and I usually do resort to that and wonder why I can’t sit up or see straight from all of that strain to keep the caring down to a minimum.
This year has been tumultuous and I think growing up is discovering that life will always be like that.
I don’t seek out support or reconciliation. I like to pretend that I don’t need either one.
I want to share everything and at the same time I need to keep it all in. I’ve made some bad decisions this year and then I’ve made some great ones. I’m polar opposites. I annoy myself at how obvious I am, how predictable. And then again all I seek is routine and monotony. I nearly lost the love of my life this year, and I am ashamed at how careless I was with that love. I didn’t deserve the second chance I got, not for my sense of worthlessness, but for the very fact that I abused trust and my commitment to that love. Is that the shadow I hide behind?
Or is it the one I’ve always been hiding behind.
Filed under: Commentary, Emotions, Fun, Uncategorized | Tags: mccain, obama, politics, presidential election, united states of america
I absolutely adore this:
http://www.zefrank.com/from52to48withlove/
And so here’s mine:
From a 48 to a 52:
and from a 52 to a 48:
Filed under: Etsy, holidays | Tags: birthday, Etsy, jewelry, Ricky, ricky doo, SadieAndLeo.etsy.com
October 2nd, 2008
First off let me say Happy Birthday to Ricky Doo! He’s 20 today so I have to stop using words like “kid” and “teenager”, not that I did in the first place. Anyhow, here’s to many more, kiddo!
I wanted to share some new pieces I’ve recently created for my Etsy shop:
Thanks for everybody’s kind and encouraging words so far on these new ideas and where I’m taking my shop, it means the most!
September 14th, 2008
Things that are keeping me sane right now:
-Food porn with Ricky
-My sister’s generosity in buying my plane ticket to see her and my brother in NYC from October 24th to the 30th. I am jumping up and down inside constantly.
-”masturbates to his tears” shmaa shmaa… (I don’t do this, it’s just a personal joke; in case you were wondering and if you were wondering you’re a sicko)
-my new tv/dvd
-High School Musical 3 comes out on the 24th of October… in theaters!!!
-Going to see The Cab play on September 28th
-my bedroom is actually starting to “make sense”
Filed under: Uncategorized
August 31st, 2008
So when did that happen?
How strange would it be to say that I just started to live again, this past month? All in the month of August and everything after… I think that’s from somewhere.
I owe myself 5 posts to finish up this month, I need to do it for the obligation, for the words and for the feelings. I need to do it for myself and I need to do it for you.
Tomorrow is a new month, new theme, and I plan on still living.
August 21st, 2008
It glows against his face
The light from the sun dying behind the horizon of far off places
There are mysteries here, unfamiliar corners in the buildings, structure of his heart, crossing paths and dead ends
Take the car, take the road, take the thousands of miles away from here and find the answers
You run but you aren’t running fast enough, never could, not in your dreams anyhow
Wonder if you can in this life, or any life, in his life
Seeking what he holds and think that maybe it is what you left behind all of those years ago
Was that the secret passage, the paved road, the right way, the one way
Or was it lost, is it forgotten, or was it never picked up, like endless ringing, or dead letters, or series of missed interpretations
Now it’s dark
The sun will rise again, and his silhouette will disappear from your mind, his footprints covered over and the sun will glow warm again
Filed under: Uncategorized
August 2008
I know it must seem as if I’ve abandoned my 365 obligation but I have not. Someone said that when the blogging stops the living starts, and I don’t always believe that but there is some validity to it. Also in the original rules of the 365 it states that blogs can be written anywhere and posted accordingly, I’ve got 5 in the bank, albeit the recesses of my mind. Believe me when I tell you, I’ve got sh*t to say and it’ll be said. My life has been blog worthy that is for certain.
Filed under: Good day, Music, Uncategorized | Tags: AZ, forever the sickest kids, mayday parade, Music, Ricky, the rock, tonight we have rhythm, Tucson
August 19th, 2008
My partner in crime, Ricky, and I went to the show of shows on Tuesday night here in Tucson, at The Rock. Getting to the show was like a comedy of errors, absolutely the best kind of preface to a most amazing evening. Nothing that runs smoothly has a very exciting conclusion, this being the pinnacle example of that. We both had to be up pretty early that day, it being the day we were supposed to get our new register system installed at the Eagle. Nothing goes without a hitch there either and to both of our dismay the new registers didn’t happen, so the day was long and dragged because it was just another day at work with nothing to distract us and take up the time before we went to the show we were looking forward to for so long.
Finally!– we are off, I agreed to drive because Ricky’s usually the chafferer for everyone else/I never get to drive with Mike, I like driving, I feel cool, that’s really the only reason. I go to pick him up at his house, and let’s just say he literally lives in the desert almost up a mountain. Seriously. Now, historically there are three things I do very badly: math, gymnastics, and reading and understanding directions and maps. I mean there are probably a ton of crap I do badly, but those are the top three. And I don’t mean like pummel horse or balance beam gymnastics, I just mean I’m not actively dexterous or flexible. Where the hell am I going with this… my point exactly! It should take 15 minutes from my house to Ricky’s house but since I got lost twice, er, three times, it took almost triple the time (but I think I only admitted getting lost twice, and only now am spilling my beans, oh well…) I finally get Ricky and we’re off! Hooray!
Driving, tra la la… OMG I FORGOT THE TICKETS!!! In a panic, I mean panic!– I u-turned like nobody’s business and had to backtrack to my house to get them. Tucson isn’t very big but no matter where you need to get to it’ll take an exuberant and almost unnecessary amount of time to get there. But not the trek home and back, I must have been on the wings of concert angels because I think round trip for the retrieval took about ten minutes when it should really have taken about a half an hour. So that was the start of our adventure…
We get to the place, and with a little help from his GPS phone thingy we get almost lost in a little web of turn here for your destination, no here, no now go left, go right, go straight up a camel’s ass… GPS is hilarious when it can’t pinpoint your location exactly, it just knows that you are there but it wants to get you right on top of the place. We park, I scratch my hubcap, don’t care and we get out. We’re walking up to the place and we run into AE Jon who is playing the show with his band Tonight We Have Rhythm, he’s nervous, smoking and shaking, understandable, playing in your town with two very amazing bands. We get in line and it is just an array of bubble gum, eye liner, long and big hair, stripes and neons, girl jeans on boys, and fun fun fun. Surprisingly I wasn’t the oldest person there and also of note, there were normal looking kids there too. I don’t know why that surprised me because we were normal looking so why wouldn’t there be other “normal” looking people.
We get inside and it is crazy small, for those of you who grew up clubbing around Manchester it was like The Web only without that wacky seating arrangement, so it was just stage and floor. It was going to be sardine city. Oh, and it is about 100 degrees outside and that made it about Burning Hell degrees inside. But I loved the place, it was seedy and dirty and awesome, exactly how it should be. Now we wait. Ricky met up with a ton of people he was really good friends with in high school, good, now we have our own crowd. You could tell this crowd was young and rough and ready to bring the pain. No seats, only sweaty bodies all clamoring to get as close to the stage as possible.
The first band comes on, the front man is obnoxious and obviously coked up and if he wasn’t, well then he needs some serious attention. They were crappy but some people dug it so who am I to judge really. Their set was way too long though and then we had to wait again. My friend’s band came on and they did their thing and they were awesome! It’s a really cool thing to see someone you know, someone who you see in everyday situations totally rock out on stage and really be able to show what they love to do. It was great, and their sound is right up my alley, so I know there are good things to come from this band. Keep a look out!
Mayday Parade are next and they were super great! At this point the crowd is going crazy. Slamming up into me and everyone else. And you know there was that girl and that guy. Those people who have total disregard for anyone else and just completely bust out and not care if you get a fist in the face or an arm to the gut; as if that can be called dancing. I think it was at that point that Ricky and I decided that if you can’t beat ‘em (and we did literally beat those two) then you might as well join ‘em. So we did, we danced, we sweat and we slammed back! It was hilarious and awesome and such a rush. I’ve always wanted to do that and not care how much it would hurt or how I would look, and I’m so glad I did. That set was great but we were really there for the next band.
Forever The Sickest Kids were incredible! I was so taken at how comfortable and happy they were to be on stage. I’ve never seen a band like this play, they were all ecstatic to be there and really belted out everything they had. That’s a show. They were animated and energetic and that is what moved the crowd, or at least that is what moved me. I had to go to those energy reserves that I didn’t even know I had to keep up, but you know what I did. A year ago I never would have been able to do that, so it was such a personal triumph for me. I was totally taken away and forgot who I was, where I was and what was going on in my life and just left it out there the way the music did. It rocked. That’s what it did.
It was one of those nights, the best kind. Ricky and I left the place and our bodies were all wiggly and tired. We couldn’t hear until late the next day, and I think I haven’t yet caught up on my sleep from that night. That’s the rock and roll lifestyle I guess
(I am so hardcore… not really.)
Okay, here’s the ultimate biggie of the night!!! Ricky caught a drum stick from FTSK and he gave it to me!!! How wicked awesome is that!
Filed under: love, memories, poetry | Tags: bad poetry, crappy poetry, love
August 14th, 2008
The dishes rest on their shelves untouched, the front door shut and bolted,
No sound.
Quiet, the hum of cars passing disappear, the birds are perched far in the distance,
No song.
Papers, letters, keys and tokens on the table with your things,
No souvenir.
The curtains drawn slightly, shoes and clothes left in a moment,
No season.
In this moment, there is nothing.
August 9th, 2008
pushing you into the ground
I don’t care who you are or what your eyes are saying, doesn’t matter, you are the vessel
take what I came for, leave nothing behind
you have no name, this is my deviant scheme
wanting you, wanting you to be someone else’s life long love, no attachment
Ruin me so I am untouched by pain
Her innocence is your defense… for lying, it is the fortress




