Filed under: Emotions, Living, Work, blogging | Tags: Blog 365, blogging, life, unemployment, Work
WARNING: WHINING AHEAD
I’m not ready to concede from this Blog 365, I refuse to let that defeat me too. Can you tell I’m on a downward spiral? I’ve been out of work for what seems like eternity, when in reality it has only been 19 days. Oh, don’t get me wrong, I do not miss that job in any capacity… please, I still have nightmares about it… I can still hear the fitting room bell in my head.
These are the things I’m trying desperately to deal with but aren’t having much luck:
1) My routine is gone. As soul crushing as my job was it gave me a routine. I suppose it could be compared to three meals a day/1 hour in the yard/lights out at 10, like a prison sentence but even criminals take to that life style; my life was so structured even when it was completely chaotic and detrimental to everyone else.
2) Failure. I’ve only been rejected by one potential employer but because of my track record of not really being too keen on not being accepted, it has made me recoil deeper into my shell. That’s a bad place to be, especially now.
3) I don’t want to, above all else, ever work a retail job again. It’s not the act off working a retail job, although that does have its obvious loathsome qualities. It is mostly the hours of operation, it’s not a normal life by any stretch of the imagination. I did it for well over the nine years, I’ve worked retail and retail Christmases since I was 16 years old. That is 16 Thanksgivings and Christmases f*cked up by being exhausted and hateful. It’s not fun and anyone who tells you it is is as delusion as I was while I was doing it.
4) Self-worth. Down the drain. I’m not contributing to this house hold and I am so filled with guilt.
5) Depression has many different faces, and while I won’t take away from others who honestly are afflicted with this disease, I will say that I do have my highs and my lows and they do seem to swing pretty rapidly.
Today, I am setting goals and I am going to try to keep my head above water, not get bogged down with worrying… it seems to creep in when you least expect it, but in the end I have to be honest and true to myself. I could easily turn around and walk right back into that sort of life again, where my job defined me and a paycheck held me captive, but I really can’t, for my heart and for my head and for the rest of my life.
October 11th, 2008
Why am I not publishing my blogs?
I have enough to make up the days it looks like I have missed.
Why do I keep them private?
I owe myself September 17th, 20th, the 24th through the 29th, October 4th through the 6th, and the 8th, 9th and 10th.
Who am I hurting here, who am I protecting?
What will I gain from being quiet?
Filed under: Emotions, Introduction, blogging | Tags: 100th post, Blog 365, blogging
April 8th, 2008
I made it to blog post 100*. Wow. I don’t really feel like I’ve said anything. I wonder if other bloggers feel that way? Sure I’ve indulged in lackadaisical posts, YouTube clips, funny photos, survey and the like but there have to have been meaningful posts, right?
I feel so guarded and I always have been that way. I have always relied on the funny and not the straightforward approach. I mean, I usually tell it like it is but not when it comes to me. It isn’t that I feel like I’m being judged it’s just that I hate whining and I feel like my whining could really be overbearing in people’s lives. That’s assuming that they care. See, many issues at hand here.
Some days I have great ideas, and I sit down and I am ready to go and then I think, no one wants to read that, they will probably just want to see my cat in a tie or a funny church signs (oh, I haven’t done that one yet). I think I forget the first rule to doing this Blog 365, just write whatever and don’t worry about an audience.
So in this 100th post that is what I had to revisit. Write like no one’s reading and be thankful for those who are.
(*I’m at 100 because I started on December 31st, 2007 and didn’t skip blogging on Leap Day.)
Filed under: Commentary, Work, holidays | Tags: Blog 365, Leap Year, Work
February 28th, 2008
I’m supposed to take tomorrow off, it is in the rules for this Blog 365 thing-a-majig. I guess that is why it’s called Blog 365 and not Blog 366. But I’m going to post anyway because I’m afraid that sometime in August I would remember that I was supposed to be blogging. So why stop this train, plus I don’t really have anything to say today other than a quote from a co-worker, “Babies being born tomorrow are going to be screwed.” That is all he said. I know what he meant, that they won’t have a real birthday except for every four years. It was an odd thing to put out there without an explanation though.
Filed under: Odd Random Stuff Day | Tags: Blog 365, blogging, Daylight Savings
February 16th, 2008
Today is the first day of my Blog 365 adventure that I am blogging down to the wire. It isn’t that I have nothing to talk about or that cool stuff didn’t happen today, it’s just that my work schedule was a little out of whack and I spent the little time I did have at home cleaning up my work space. I have the need to be creative and so many ideas running around my head and I have been trying to get them all out into the physical realm but because my work room has been in such disarray I haven’t been able to work well in here. So I cleaned up and by the time that was done I had to go to work.
I am noticing though that it appears that I am blogging in the future. My time stamp is obviously all jacked up and I haven’t noticed this until now. I am in an odd time zone, as Arizona doesn’t observe day light savings, so I flip back and forth between what I call “California time”, also known as Pacific and “the other time zone”, maybe better known as Mountain. But I have tried to adjust my time stamp and my time zone but I keep coming up with these wacky time. Any help from other WordPress users would be helpful. Unless of course it is cool that I am speaking to you from the future. Or my future and your past. Or something like that.
Here’s to post # 48 and it being the lamest thus far.
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Okay, fixing that was easier than I thought. I had to change my time stamp to -8. Duh, I feel dumb. And of course this isn’t going to fix any of my previous posts.
Dang, I kind of liked being a time traveler.
Filed under: Introduction | Tags: Blog 365, blogging, coffee, Derry, Etsy, Funky Carter, jean wall, Mike, NH, stilettoheights
January 4th, 2008
First off, I am blown away and so appreciative that people are actually reading my blog, and, bonus, commenting. I feel cool, wanted, interesting, all the things I never felt in junior high. I wonder if I should respond to your inquiries here or in the posts where the questions have been posed? As I didn’t think, outside of say two or so, that anyone would be compelled to join me, little me, on my 365 blog journey. To Sobe, yes, the coffee maker was just out of sorts, something with its programming. My very handy man husband (Mike, as I refer to him) fixed it by unplugging it and plugging it back in; a quick fix that obviously eluded me at 6 o’ clock in the morning. And to Erikka, yes, I remember you (!), the jean wall is this massive 16 foot section of wall space at my “job” which houses all of our selections of said denim blue jeans (dungarees, as my Dad would call them). To nancypearlwannabe, yes, I am really going to do this. And again, to Sobe, I’m really not sure how one would regulate.
I guess I never really took the time to introduce myself properly. Like I said before, I thought this would be me just typing into the dark here. I am surprised at the outpouring of generosity, curiosity and attention. I humbly thank you for joining me on my quest for 365 blogs and welcome you here.
I’m 32, married, keeper of cats, disgruntled retail manager (show me a retail manager who isn’t), desert resider, crafter, jeweler, collector, TV viewer, sci-fi fan, lover of all things cheese, chocolate and wine. I love stilettoheights and all that she does and is. I’ve known Aaron, of Funky Carter, since ‘93. And I’m usually the caboose commenter of blogs since I’m in the west. I’m originally from Derry, NH but I hate the snow so that is why I live among the cacti.
There is probably so much more and like the proverbial onion we’ll get through the layers together. I just wanted to say thanks and I plan on cropping up on your blogs too. My time is divided between things I must do: work, things I want to do: create for my Etsy shop and things that just have to get done but I don’t really want to do but I’ve put them off so long they are giving me anxiety: tidying up/paying bills/finding a new job, so don’t be sad if I am delayed in reading or commenting, as soon as I find the eighth day of the week I’ll drop on by your blogging doorstep.
December 31st, 2007
What am I doing here?
I found myself clicking this link while reading a post from a friend of mine on this 31st of December… 365 blogs, 2008 blog everyday, oh, except for the 29th of February… I didn’t even know we were in a leap year. Why would I get it into my head that I could do this? What is possessing me to even take this venture on? I am at such a crossroads in my life… damn, who isn’t these days?… and I need this like a I need… No. I do need this.
Something has come over me in the last year or so, something has cropped up in me that was never there before. Maybe it was there, I just never wanted to wake the sleeping giant. Maybe it’s lack of an outlet, maybe it is has been the wrong outlets. I’m not a writer, I’m a creator. And even that is new for me. Do I have profound things to say? Will people read them and be amused, happy, confused, sad? Maybe only I will be, but that “thing” that has cropped up in me is wanting to find out. Is it in the challenge, the hunt or the discovery where I will find what I am looking for? Something will come of this, for that I am certain.
My name is Tara and it is good to meet you.
