Filed under: Introduction, TV, blogging, dork-out, sci fi | Tags: 2009, Babylon 5, blogging, dork, sci fi, Star Trek, Stargate Atlantis, TV
January 9th, 2009
Ha! Comedy. That’s funny, 200-9. Wow. I’ve been alive since ‘75, don’t really remember ‘79, ‘89 f*cking blew, hell I was 14, a lost teenager. 1999 pretty much rocked, I was thin, clueless and drunk all of the time. So 2009. Odd numbered year too, and you know how I feel about those. (And if you don’t, I’ll recap: don’t like odd numbered years, mostly, but since the number 9 isn’t a prime number I think I’ll be alright. Being divisible by 3 and all, I’m left with a little doubt since 3 isn’t divisible by anything.)
I was waiting for this big thing to get me to write again. As you can see I didn’t make my 365 posts last year. Eff that. My favorite quote used to be “write what you know” but now it’s “blogging stops when living begins” or something to that effect. I’m not lazy, I’m busy. Much praise and envy goes out to those who really do blog every day, that’s m-effing impressive because it is soul sucking and nearly impossible. And I’m not talking the days I was sick or injured or out of state, I’m talking those days when I was outta my mind stressed, overwhelmed, involved, insane, delirious. Sure I had the best intentions of letting it all out, and it was never the part of letting out to have others read it, it was letting it out so I could read it. That’s the hard part. Admittance. Anyhow, beyond all of that crap like “I was trying to keep it in”, “I wasn’t sure how to say it”, “I didn’t know how people would take it”… I’m done with that. I’m also done with pretense and avoidance. And I thought I was ready for that a year ago… silly, silly Tara.
But what would bring me to blog again. Christmas? Nope. I was too busy watching awesome holiday specials on t.v. New Years? Nope. I was playing Guitar Hero. This realization that I don’t have to have any one in mind when I blog? No, that’s been done. In the true spirit of ME, it happens to be the end of Stargate Atlantis.
Oh yeah, you heard me right.
My world pretty much spins on an axis of cake, down-time, crafty things and sci-fi. A few years ago, in the wake of the demise of a one horrendously bad/canceled Star Trek series, Mike was watching the SciFi channel and he stumbled upon Stargate SG-1. Nope, I was good. I didn’t need it. Dumb. Dumb concept. Didn’t get it. But one day he was watching it and I sat with him on the couch and I was sucked in. Oh, was I sucked in. Loved it, hooked, addicted. It filled the void; that void I had since STDS9 ended in ‘99 (oh, a 9 year reference). I loved the characters, the whole focus of the series and it wrapped the techy crap I like nicely with lots of guns and explosions. Damn, it had McGyver in it. How could you not love that? And aliens. Brilliant.
Of course that series sadly ended after ten illustrious years and the spin-off arrived and although dorks may disagree, but take into account how much Empire Strikes Back blew its predecessor out of the water, Stargate Atlantis was even better than the original. Loved it, hooked, addicted. And now it’s ending and only after 5 years. 100 episodes is all we have. Suppose it’s in the vain of Babylon 5, but at least going into that one you knew it was going to be five years, the dude had the whole thing written already (but no one really cares about the last season being that there’s no more Bruce Boxleitner and that whole Newhart ending crap.)
So I have no more weekly fix of sci-fi. That’s like a fish without water. This is the turning point. This is what gets me to blog.
My world will spin a little differently now. At least I still have cake. And the new Trek movie coming out in May. Better not suck.
My only new years resolution is: write when I want to write and write about anything.
Filed under: Emotions, Living, Work, blogging | Tags: Blog 365, blogging, life, unemployment, Work
WARNING: WHINING AHEAD
I’m not ready to concede from this Blog 365, I refuse to let that defeat me too. Can you tell I’m on a downward spiral? I’ve been out of work for what seems like eternity, when in reality it has only been 19 days. Oh, don’t get me wrong, I do not miss that job in any capacity… please, I still have nightmares about it… I can still hear the fitting room bell in my head.
These are the things I’m trying desperately to deal with but aren’t having much luck:
1) My routine is gone. As soul crushing as my job was it gave me a routine. I suppose it could be compared to three meals a day/1 hour in the yard/lights out at 10, like a prison sentence but even criminals take to that life style; my life was so structured even when it was completely chaotic and detrimental to everyone else.
2) Failure. I’ve only been rejected by one potential employer but because of my track record of not really being too keen on not being accepted, it has made me recoil deeper into my shell. That’s a bad place to be, especially now.
3) I don’t want to, above all else, ever work a retail job again. It’s not the act off working a retail job, although that does have its obvious loathsome qualities. It is mostly the hours of operation, it’s not a normal life by any stretch of the imagination. I did it for well over the nine years, I’ve worked retail and retail Christmases since I was 16 years old. That is 16 Thanksgivings and Christmases f*cked up by being exhausted and hateful. It’s not fun and anyone who tells you it is is as delusion as I was while I was doing it.
4) Self-worth. Down the drain. I’m not contributing to this house hold and I am so filled with guilt.
5) Depression has many different faces, and while I won’t take away from others who honestly are afflicted with this disease, I will say that I do have my highs and my lows and they do seem to swing pretty rapidly.
Today, I am setting goals and I am going to try to keep my head above water, not get bogged down with worrying… it seems to creep in when you least expect it, but in the end I have to be honest and true to myself. I could easily turn around and walk right back into that sort of life again, where my job defined me and a paycheck held me captive, but I really can’t, for my heart and for my head and for the rest of my life.
October 11th, 2008
Why am I not publishing my blogs?
I have enough to make up the days it looks like I have missed.
Why do I keep them private?
I owe myself September 17th, 20th, the 24th through the 29th, October 4th through the 6th, and the 8th, 9th and 10th.
Who am I hurting here, who am I protecting?
What will I gain from being quiet?
October 1st, 2008
Seriously, what the hell is up with me? Well, I think it’s time to come clean, to lay it out on the table, be free of it…
I am not myself anymore.
I mean I am not the person I thought I was striving to be, I’m better than that.
August of this year turned me upside down, and if you need a point of reference listen to this entire album from start to finish (not on shuffle) and you’ll understand just a little bit. If you want the Cliff’s Notes version here goes:
-Everything I had come to know as my routine, my being, my center, my marriage, my living situation, my feelings on the state of the world has changed so dramatically that I find it hard to even slow down and recognize where I am or what I am doing.
-I feel more alive than I have in years, or maybe I just woke up for the first time.
-Happiness and comfort are not the same thing.
-Trust has a lot more to do with understanding and realization, than familiarity and assumption.
-I am having a hard time letting out what I need to let out and it’s getting awfully crowded inside my head.
-Losing touch with the outside world is self-alienation and is only counterproductive.
I am not lost anymore and I have so many obligations to fulfill starting with getting my blog up-to-date, September proved to be a very difficult month to complete, so that is my goal for today. I didn’t not complete my 365 blogging commitment out of laziness or out of forgetfulness, it was nothing so surface as that. I was afraid to write, August was too much, too easy, too exposed… I held back in September. I need to find that in between.
Here’s to a new month.
September 18th, 2008
I’m so behind on my blogging.
My Google Reader runneth over.
Smallville and Survivor start tonight.
I really don’t want to do anything I should be doing. I want to make necklaces and watch old Stargates.
This juice is really good.
Filed under: Emotions, blogging, love, marriage, memories | Tags: 2001, blogging, love, marriage, september 11th
September 11th, 2008
(How petty are my problems on an anniversary such as this.)
But that’s life and everyday problems don’t go away, it doesn’t take away the loss we all felt on that day, but again, many buildings will fall in the course of our lifetimes, hopefully all of them being only representations of our own relationships.
I tried to make my blog private last night but I lack any kind of administrator savvy and really cannot figure out the right way to invite you to read and comment on it, feedback was that you couldn’t even log in. Well that isn’t helpful so f*ck it, it’s back. Funny thing, I never had a problem with the anonymous world reading my thoughts, never really thought that too much of that anonymous world was really reading it (stats showed otherwise though). There is only one reader I don’t want here anymore but again, trying to privatize my blog is like trying to keep quiet or trying to be someone I’m not and that is the very struggle I am dealing with right now. So read on, read on, I don’t care. I was mainly irritated because said person has privatized all of their internet offerings and I was trying to level the playing field, again, I don’t care ultimately. It’s a “I was here first kind of thing” anyway. Free speech and open expression was my MO first, so have fun with yours.
With that said I want to be open and carefree with what I post here. I always know when I want to say something big, I end up not posting for days, here it’s been a couple of days and the posts are busting out of my head making it hurt… I’ve got to make room and I’m going to. It’s September and I’ve posted now 252 times and I find I still have to remind myself of why I’m here… for me and that is the only reason.
So I think of the state of the nation on that day seven years ago and I think of the state of my marriage seven years ago and can make so many metaphors and correlations. I’m not talking about the actions of the terrorists or trivializing the extreme loss of life, I am only speaking of the place that I was with Mike and where we went from there. On Tuesday, September 11th, 2001 terrorists flew planes into the World Trade Center and stopped the world from spinning on its axis and 3 days later we left all we knew for a new life here. Did we lose each other on the way, or was there nothing there in the first place? Did we change that day, did we all change that day?
When do we stop changing?
August 11th, 2008
I am a day late, I held back, why?
Why does it have to be different now?
Filed under: Dreams, Living, blogging, love, memories | Tags: bad poetry, blogging, daily crap
August 4th, 2008
Recap: I was going to theme August, so like me to chose to do something more than half way through the year, so every day in August will involve some kind of crappy poetry, a little something I like to call ambiguous truth, stream of consciousness. I was going to do TV this month, but hell there is no good TV on right now anyway… besides Project Runway and Stargate… but those can’t hold up a whole month, okay they can. At the very least the latter and why Ronin only has two lines every episode, is he really there just as eye candy, and even after all of these seasons? Oh, the questions.
So it’ll be bad poetry, I get no comments for it anyway so what the hell do I have to hide.
On that note, I’ve been very forthcoming lately, I mean even more than usual. I have a big mouth and I’ve just not been holding back. It’s like I have no filter because I am holding too much inside already, so there is spillage. And it’s just coming out. I feel better though because of it, it’s cathartic. Although I have no appetite either, so I don’t know if there is any correlation.
My mystery package from eBay is in the mail, mfers. I cannot wait and I’ll blog about that, don’t care how embarrassing it will be. I think people know by now that I am not really embarrassed easily. Sure there are things that make me blush and hide and avoid, but really I have a pretty thick skin. I think I even do and say things to try and embarrass me, that’s weird, but I think it helps me get over inhibitions. Try it.
Here’s your daily crap:
You know how vivid something is because you are writing it but in reality it is just a bunch of thoughts strewn together with punctuation? 72 hours. Racing blurred lights, spitting rain, and slippery shoes. Leaving the scene just before the lucky hour and feeling like I was the last person on the planet, rummaging through the darkness with the glow of the parking lot lights casting something like stolen visions. It was as if someone forgot to turn them off. I wished for you and you appeared. I closed my eyes and you were still there. Needing to run to you, running from you. Remembering 1993. What you were, what I was. At the river… and that memory will not fade. So you go on and you think to yourself, “How did I get here?” and the only thing that answers is his song, blaring through the night, a runaway, a painful desire.
Filed under: Emotions, Etsy, Family, Food, blogging | Tags: blogging, David Cook, Eli Manning, Emotions, Etsy, Fij, Food, food porn, jenn, Mike, mother, Ricky, Sick, tag cloud, Work
July 18th, 2008
I don’t know who coined the phrase “food porn” but my sister gets the credit for introducing it to Mike and me. Ame’s a vegan so just about everything “consumable” fits into this category, and consumable, she’ll argue too. Food porn is fried, greasy, processed, sugary, evil and oh so good! The other week Mike turned our kitchen into a greasy spoon by throwing just about anything into a pot of oil turning out the best fried food this side of the Mississippi (seeing that the best fried food on the other side of the Mississippi happens to be found here.) We even considered frying the Twinkies but even I passed on that one. I don’t crave as much as I used to, I have an occasional hankering for something sinful and wrong, like eating at a chain restaurant… I know! We have all but ruled them out but I can’t say that I’m not excited to be going to one tonight. It almost makes up for having to attend something educational on a Friday night… can I bring my iPod? Can I text during it, please? I feel like a kid needing the promise of something heavenly at the end of something painful like having to go to the fabric store or the adult section of the public library… and I don’t mean adult like that, I mean like big ol’ dusty reference/microfiche section of the library.
* * *
I installed this new feature on my blog, it’s called a tag cloud, my friend Fij has it among others* and I thought it would be interesting. And it has been, to say the least. Maybe even eye opening, but not so much in a good way. There are those topics that I’m glad are there, like my Etsy shop name (yay), Mike’s name, Ricky’s name, Jenn’s Etsy shop (how sweet) and of course “David Cook” because I’m an obsessed crazy fan, but who’s really counting. Oddly, I guess I talked a lot about “Eli Manning”. Didn’t know that I had. But the one’s that really stick out for me are: sick, work, and emotions. Why aren’t happy, healthy, and feelings there? We are half way through the year and those are the highlights? Wait, I’m pleased with all of them through Eli, but after that… I’m sick of work, work makes me sick, and I’m emotional about it? Haven’t I been in that place for too long? A friend of mine turned it all around just a little while ago and he seems happier… I think. I mean, he’s so busy he doesn’t really update his blog anymore, as much anyway. So he assures me that he is well, and I believe him, he’s an adult and he can take care of his shit. And that’s my point, I’m not taking care of my shit.
I don’t know where this is coming from really. It started up again yesterday around midday. I knew something was in the air and then my mother called me almost near the end of my shift at work. Do I really want to air all of this here on my blog, f*ck yeah. This is my place, I don’t care how public it is… isn’t that the beauty of it all anyhow? I want to go on and on about how this was sh*tty and that was f*cked up, and how there was no love in my life for the better part of it… but where will that leave me? With more angry, sick, emotional tags popping up in my cloud. That damned cloud!
* * *
And that last thing… I don’t think that’s a good idea… and I’m not talking about an alcoholic bender (been there, survived that), I’m talking an emotional bender. I think I’m due.
Filed under: Music, blogging | Tags: blogging, bryan adams, iTunes, keith urban, Music
June 27th, 2008
That was today. Tomorrow I have something I need to blog about because it is probably the funniest thing I’ve heard in a long time, and I can’t rush through it. It’s ridiculous but the person who gave me the idea was so straight forward serious that most of the humor came in his conviction. Other than that tomorrow I’m going to sit on the couch, watch a lot of what evers on Bravo or VH1, and make a good dinner.
It’s the exciting life I lead. I am going to restrict myself to iTunes downloads, because I’m like a chubby girl in a bakery filling my iPod daily with tasty treats… so, I have to cut down because that really adds up and I need a little self-control (this analogy needs also to be applied for when I’m in an actual bakery). I did get my fix today with Keith Urban’s new greatest hits album. He’s a hot tamale, that’s for sure. I’m sure I’ve said that I’m slowly getting into country music, it really has to have a certain sound for me to take to it though. I like steel guitars and those little guitars, what are they? Anyhow, a little twang is charming but I still can’t do some country sounds and it’s hard to describe what they are but when I hear them I’m just not sure if I can process them the right way, I mean in a genuine way, the way that incessant grungy feedback is sweet sweet music to my ears. You know what I’m saying? But this guy, I like. I can only describe his voice like if Bryan Adams wasn’t Canadian or rock, he would be Keith Urban, and vice versa, if Keith Urban wasn’t Australian or country, he’d be… you get what I’m saying. Good stuff.
