Filed under: Etsy, Family, Food, Living, Questions | Tags: Etsy, life, Living, Music, thoughts
Right now, I’m conteplating so many things:
-selling my new scarves in my etsy shop
-opening an ArtFire account
-throwing random stuff up for sale on ebay
-eating nothing but cake for dinner for the entire month of March
-how I should start packing for the move
-when I’m going to finish my next mix CD I’ve got rolling around in my head and on this little yellow index card
-why I can’t stop listening to this song
Always questioning:
-why I’m a bad daughter
-how much is too much for my etsy shop
-am I the theif or the creator
-why you are always on my mind
-why reality tv is so captivating
Filed under: Emotions, Living, Work, blogging | Tags: Blog 365, blogging, life, unemployment, Work
WARNING: WHINING AHEAD
I’m not ready to concede from this Blog 365, I refuse to let that defeat me too. Can you tell I’m on a downward spiral? I’ve been out of work for what seems like eternity, when in reality it has only been 19 days. Oh, don’t get me wrong, I do not miss that job in any capacity… please, I still have nightmares about it… I can still hear the fitting room bell in my head.
These are the things I’m trying desperately to deal with but aren’t having much luck:
1) My routine is gone. As soul crushing as my job was it gave me a routine. I suppose it could be compared to three meals a day/1 hour in the yard/lights out at 10, like a prison sentence but even criminals take to that life style; my life was so structured even when it was completely chaotic and detrimental to everyone else.
2) Failure. I’ve only been rejected by one potential employer but because of my track record of not really being too keen on not being accepted, it has made me recoil deeper into my shell. That’s a bad place to be, especially now.
3) I don’t want to, above all else, ever work a retail job again. It’s not the act off working a retail job, although that does have its obvious loathsome qualities. It is mostly the hours of operation, it’s not a normal life by any stretch of the imagination. I did it for well over the nine years, I’ve worked retail and retail Christmases since I was 16 years old. That is 16 Thanksgivings and Christmases f*cked up by being exhausted and hateful. It’s not fun and anyone who tells you it is is as delusion as I was while I was doing it.
4) Self-worth. Down the drain. I’m not contributing to this house hold and I am so filled with guilt.
5) Depression has many different faces, and while I won’t take away from others who honestly are afflicted with this disease, I will say that I do have my highs and my lows and they do seem to swing pretty rapidly.
Today, I am setting goals and I am going to try to keep my head above water, not get bogged down with worrying… it seems to creep in when you least expect it, but in the end I have to be honest and true to myself. I could easily turn around and walk right back into that sort of life again, where my job defined me and a paycheck held me captive, but I really can’t, for my heart and for my head and for the rest of my life.
August 12th, 2008
I can’t post my poetry here anymore, as awful as it is, I mean the poetry not that I won’t be posting it… anyway. I didn’t know that my words were creating a rift between what I’ve come to know and what I need to be. It was so easy to keep all of that creativity pushed down, away from who I was trying to be day to day. You can’t be both people, you can’t have it all even if you try. And I have tried, and maybe it’s easier for other people. Maybe it’s all about compromising and literally having to be someone else for the rest of your life.
What comes from not knowing how you will feel after the mask is removed? When the curtain falls, when the dust settles…
Maybe that is why I stopped doing my art 11 years ago… it was who I was and I thought I wanted to be someone else. I think I associated everything bad in my life with that person, when really I wasn’t that bad person, it was just the shit storm I grew up in, or the bad that I was surrounding myself with, all of my addictions, living on the edge of something unknown. I think I ran away from the right thing into the wrong thing. I’ve always been bad with directions.
July 13th, 2008
Every one who knows me knows that I like things just so. I’m not a big proponent of change. I like when I know something and I can implement it a lot, over and over again. I’ve always said that I would love a job on an assembly line, sticking a widget in a widget, over and over again. Besides the carpel tunnel I would love the rhythm of that life, the constant rolling of monotony and cohesion. I think it all comes down to ridding my life of fear and failure. And I know what you’re saying, those things help you to grow and to become a better person…
So what am I getting at here. I don’t get Facebook. Yeah, that’s the topic of this post: How I Don’t Get Facebook. Back in… well, I don’t remember, a bunch of kids from work got me to get on MySpace. Up until that point I thought MySpace was for teens and pedophiles. I know, gross. But I didn’t think I had any use for MySpace. I didn’t really think I had much use for the internet in general. I didn’t grow up with a computer, hell we didn’t even rely on computers in college so I was in unfamiliar territory already. But I got on there, made a little profile, added some friends, learned some rudimentary HTML, or at the very least learned how to google sites that did that kind of thing for me. And before you knew it, I was a pretty seasoned MySpace user. I found friends I forgot I had, reunited with friends from high school, college, the past, the present, hell, even a slew of ex-boyfriends who after all this time were glad that time does in fact erase all bad doing. So it is fun. Sure a friend of mine picked on me for having a bunch of 19 year old friends and I kidded back… maybe something to the effect: “at least I have friends…”
I like MySpace because I have been on there for a long time. It isn’t a social networking site for me, as it is for many people. I am not seeking new friends or obviously not a love interest. My main purpose in having a profile there is to keep everyone I know and love in a little neat and orderly place (see first paragraph). Has MySpace changed my life? No. Does MySpace rule my existence? No. Do I take it seriously? No. Is it a fun and mindless pastime? Yes. Do I like pretty, flashing, glittery things? Yes. Do I like creating new and fun layouts? Yes. Do I like that I can add a new song and new photos for my friends to listen to and look at? Yes. So for all of those people who think that MySpace is for kids, and MySpace is all about having fun then I must be a kid… at least at heart, and why is that a bad thing?
Then there’s Facebook. So I think my brother was the first person to “invite” me to join. Or my sister, or someone. Can’t remember, it was a long time ago. I’m pretty sure I ignored the email because I had heard that it was a sight for college students only. I guess it started out that way and then it changed to include anyone who wanted to join. So that was just like MySpace and why did I need another site when one was just fine for me. I mean, I Google, so why would I Yahoo!? Right? Or I Etsy, so why would I eBay? Finally after a ton of invites kept coming in did I actually log on to the site and join. So… I want to make my profile page more “me”, I want to add some cool stuff, I want a great song to greet me every time I log in, and what’s with all those “gifts”? What am I planting a green thingy for? There are classifieds on here… I can buy a couch? What’s going on… my head is spinning… where are the bulletins?… what’s a mini-feed?… why are people writing on my “wall”?…
So I gave up.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s probably a really cool place to be, I mean all the cool kids, er… grown-ups are there. And I think that’s what kind of turns me off from the whole thing. I mean, I think people are abandoning MySpace because it doesn’t suit them anymore, like it’s too kiddish or juvenile for them. I guess I just never looked at it like that, I don’t know, maybe I should because I’m older now. That’s never been a problem for me, feeling too old for fun stuff. A lot of people subscribe to feeling like they can’t do certain things because they are getting older, I don’t. Sure, I don’t think it’s appropriate for me to go on a bender for three days and miss work and not pay my bills. I could get away with that when I was in my early twenties, but not now. But really having fun with the little things in my life, being a pop-culture monger, falling in love with (what Mike refers to iggy-pop-emo-generation) new music, and being a bit more Kid’s Choice awards and a little less Oscars is how I get through it, you know, the day to day.
Is it trying to relive my childhood? It was rocky at best and yeah, I was forced to grow up a little too fast. I don’t know. Is it trying to recapture the care-free life I only could see from afar like pressing my face up against a window into a dark room? Maybe. Is it really a struggle between something making sense in my screwed up life or choosing between two social networking sites on the internet? Now do you see why the assembly line is so inviting?
Maybe I need a tutorial.
June 10th, 2008
Closing chapters only leads to new ones and that is all that matters. Changes don’t have to be scary as long as you stay true to yourself and don’t compromise on the things that make you unique and strong and special. Do what you need to do and the rest will follow.
Filed under: Dreams, Emotions, Living, Questions, blogging, love | Tags: alcoholism, blogging, creativity, life, writing
May 30th, 2008
I really have to stop blogging at night, it’s when I’m feeling all creative and wacky like I want to sell all of my clothes and jump trains. A little more Emily Dickinson and a lot less Edgar Allen Poe. I want to be more of the latter but the absurdity of life lately makes me a lot more spacey, more of the former. I just really want to come home at night a down a ton of beers and wash it all away, because I’m pretty much in a zombie like state anyhow due to constantly losing the battle I have waged with my immune system. I am playing a tug of war with what I want to be doing with what I should be doing and no side is budging. I want to take everything in all at once but I don’t make a move. I want life to swing simultaneously with excitement and monotony, but I want it to be safe inside my bubble of ordinary and I like the distance I keep between me and letting run-on sentences take me away. I want to strip it all down and let it be exposed but I don’t know how. You would think after 30 some odd years I would know how, or at the very least have already tried it. But I haven’t. I hide.
Is 11:48 too late to start drinking?
May 29th, 2008
Is it a memory, or is it something you know you need to do before you die? What if you never do that one thing, then was that one thing not so important after all or had you already finished that thing? What if I did that one thing when I was five and the rest of this is all up to interpretation?
Where do I go from here?
